may have been letting people get to know me.
I told myself, when I went to college, I would try to keep myself separated from most of my peers, with the exception of a few close friends. That was working well for me for a while. I just wanted to be that girl that people saw, and knew was nice, but no one really knew. Aloof, always out of reach.
I wanted it to be this way, because the more people you know, the more people affect you. When you create relationships of any kind, people can get under your skin. You have a greater chance of being hurt.
I guess I got tired of being unattainable. I met Quil, and through him, I met others. But I created relationships, lots of them. And then, when the first fell through, I realized just how much these relationships were about to cost me.
Every day, I’m bombarded with questions, about my life, about me, me and Quil, me and others, everything. I’m questioned on my motives, how I’m feeling, what I’m going to do.
A lot of people gave me shit for speaking to him again, even my own friends. What I didn’t want to say, was that I wasn’t doing well. I couldn’t keep up the “fuck you, I don’t give a fuck” attitude. I got too tired, and my depression was affecting me even more, something I was already struggling with before the breakup.
One night, it became too much. A stupid drunk misunderstanding occurred at a party, and all the dams I built up broke. Soon I was sitting on the curb, dragging my nails down my wrist, tearing off skin. A friend came over, tried to stop me, and I screamed at him and struggled against him. I told him “I have to do this, please just let me do this.” I had already cut that day, for the second time in 2 years. Quil was the only person able to calm me down. He came home with me and made sure I was safe, that I didn’t do it again. He watches over me everyday, helps me get through what’s going on in my head.
And I get shit for that?
It seems a little fucked up to me, but I can’t really tell people that easily. When asked why I still speak to him, I can only tell them I’m in a hard place right now. I need keep the people who matter close, now isn’t a time to push people away for petty things.
For a week or so after that, I couldn’t be around more than one person at once without having a panic attack. I felt scared, and didn’t want to look anyone in the eye, like somehow they all knew what I did. I felt ashamed.
I kept thinking “I have to start all over again now.” But, my friend Airrick told me not to concentrate on how many days it’s been since I self-harmed, but to focus on getting through every day. I realized he’s right, and I’ve been doing better.
However, my mother and my friends are worried about me, and frankly I’m worried too. I’m worried about this summer, when all my friends and Quil will be gone. Will I get worse? Will I be okay? I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’m going to try my hardest to stay clean in that aspect.
Although letting people get to know me may have been the thing that hindered a lot of things for me, it also brought me a lot of good things as well. Great friendships, a support system, love. I’ll never, ever regret that.
This is probably the most I’ll ever say about this subject, and for those who are close to me and haven’t found out yet, I’m sorry you’re reading this in a text post, but at least you’re hearing it from me. If there’s any place I feel alright enough to say it, it’s here, on my own blog.