“O my Carmen, my Carmen!
Something, something those something nights,
And the stars, and the cars, and the bars and the barmen—
And, O my charmin’, our dreadful fights.
And the something town where so gaily, arm in
Arm, we went, and our final row,
And the gun I killed you with, O my Carmen,
The gun I am holding now.”
-Vladimir Nabokov
As well as this.
“Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. Lo-lee-ta: the tip of my tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. Lo. Lee. Ta.”
-Vladimir Nabokov
The first very small chapter of Lolita is probably my favorite, still.
I love the thought of laying in bed together, covers tangled and askew, cuddled up to you with my legs over yours. Dragon’s blood and Chai. The National or whatever you’d like playing in the background. I always think of you when I listen to them. Traces on the skin, softly told stories. I love you’s. Drifting off to sleep in the musky air and your warmth on my skin.
Listening to this while I drink my tea and think about you.
This song used to comfort me in a very hopeless time when all felt very lost a few years ago. It’s been one of my favorite songs ever since.
I’m listening to it now, but it doesn’t feel hopeless anymore. It sounds content if anything. No longer pleading, just feeling loved.
All of which I got to see Brandon.
Being able to finally hold his hand and give him a kiss and sleep in his arms was probably one of the greatest feelings I could imagine.
He’s wonderful. The first day I was there we cuddled on the couch and talked and just lounged around for hours. It was really nice. Then he left while Dan and I cleaned the house, I knew he was up to something but he wouldn’t admit it of course. He took me on a date; dinner and a movie. It was lovely, and he proceeded to be even more lovely when he had a surprise waiting for me back at his sister’s house where we were staying. There he asked me to be his girlfriend, which of course I promptly agreed too, and he made us mimosas and we watched movies. Among other things, but I won’t get into detail on here. But it was perfect. That’s the word I feel strongly describes it. Perfect.
We also got Taco Bell every day, which, if you know me, really rocks. We drank with all his friends a couple times, and Erika even made it out to hang with us for a night, which was even more awesome. I’m really glad that one of my best friends got to meet him in person. Needless to say they all love him, whether they’ve met him or not. I mean who couldn’t?
Last, we went to the Wooster fair yesterday with his family. I really like them. I’d never admit it but I’ve always thought going to the fair with your partner is adorable, and it was. Had lots of fun, he won me a little turtle that we named Gimpy Squidward which, to my comical dislike, he kept biting. We bought snap backs together and rode the ferris wheel, and when he said “snap backs and tattoos” I wasn’t even mad. (Hahaha)
The drive back to Cuyahoga Falls from the fair was a memorable time for me. It was my favorite time of day, just before dusk when the lowering sun casts gold light and long shadows everywhere. As we drove, holding hands, we stole glances at each other a lot. I loved looking over and seeing his face and feeling his hand in mine and just knowing that he was next to me. And I realized that I didn’t want that to end.
We walked around and visited a few places before it was time for me to leave for Columbus. I was barely down the street after leaving before I started to cry. It was good cry, I felt really happy I got to see him, and to say that he’s mine now. But also sad since I really don’t want to be away from him again. It’s strange to come home and sleep alone, and to wake up and not see his face right there. It’s weird to not hear his voice or hold his hand or have him right next to me. It’s like a piece of me is missing and I’m going to have to wait a while until I see him and I feel whole again.
And I am so entirely excited for that. We’re planning to spend Christmas together, I’ll be going to Arizona to see him. I can’t wait, it’s a new thing to look forward to. We’ll both be off work, free to do whatever we please. I’m pretty geeked out about the ugly sweater party that he and his friends want to have, and geeked out in general to meet all of them. And his dogs. Ah. I just can’t wait. These next few months without him will be tough but Christmas together will be the ultimate reward.
I’m glad that Danny and Erika really like him. They both think he’s a great guy, and they’re right. I can definitely say no one has ever treated me this well. Danny said we have the perfect dream relationship, and Brandon and I both agree. I couldn’t ask for more. Everything is literally perfect in every sense.
So here’s to you, Mr. Perfect, I love you.
I’m drifting in deep water
Alone with my self-doubting, again
Try not to struggle this time
For I will weather the storm
Gotta remember
Don’t fight it
Even if I
Don’t like it
Somehow, turn me around
No matter how far I drift
Deep waters
Won’t scare me tonight
Creating a thigh tattoo relating to this song.
The bold parts are the text I’m considering to go along with the imagery, which I’ll be drawing up myself.
It always calms me down and reminds me to keep my head above the waves.
There’s a chance I’ll be moving out of my house.
Dayna and Megan want me to get a place with them, and upon mentioning it, my mom didn’t rip my throat out or threaten the whole “we’ll stop paying tuition” thing.
In fact, she today she asked me where we would want to move.
This would be really good for me.
I really hope it works out.
God, I miss all these people something fierce.
Emily, I miss our taco bell trips and our realizations that we could take gin in my car cause it was disguised as lemonade, and stopping in the middle of the road to get a santa gnome for Danny, while frat boys screamed that I was a gnome stealer. And talking about cats, and bitches, and sno cones. You make me laugh so fucking hard and you always seem to understand how I’m feeling.
Stephanie, Tephy, my pinup babe. I miss your fish IDing, and how I confessed to you my deepest secrets while almost signing myself in a bonfire. I miss “lets book it” and our tanning lotion that smelled like piss. I miss going to parties on Tuesday nights and getting fucked up, or pulling all nighters before shit was due, then dragging our asses to painting class.
Jenn, I’m so glad I met you. You’re one of the strongest, most beautiful girls I know. And funny to boot. I’ve never seen someone handle hardships with such grace and delicacy as you. I admire you a lot. I miss writing classes with you, and talking shit about skater douche, and all that good stuff.
Austin…. dear lord where do I start. The shit this kid says….. I swear you’ve had me laughing in stitches more times than I can ever count. There’s never a down day being around you. I miss your impressions of the “uncle documentary girl” and your crazy antics in design class. And how you and Tommy ordered pizza all the time.
CHRIS. MOTHERFUCKING. TACO. BOES. I’m so extremely sad that you aren’t coming back to CCAD next year, but I’m hella excited that you’re gonna be nearby. I miss the crazy shit you said. You’d always be so calm about it, and it would always be completely random and serious. I miss “who you finna try” and “julie you dont know my life.” You were always there for me when I was down. I miss our talks over coffee, and gettin fucked up in my house and then somehow cramming into my bed with Stephanie. Can’t wait to see you again bud. We had some good talks.
Lea, I miss how sweet you are. You bought me smoothies when we found out douche-fuck cheated on me, and you always let me nap in your room. I miss doing drawing homework till late at night, and driving you to parties at Donnie’s. I miss tanning out in the quad, and getting fucked up at your house and running around naked outside almost smacking into each other. I can’t wait for you to live down the street from me with Kandice.
These are only some of the people I met at my first year of CCAD, and they’ve been some of the most strong, inspiring people I’ve ever met. Wonderful, wonderful friends. (I like how only 4 or so of them have a tumblr and will actually read this, but its the thought that counts.)
I love you guys.
I’m thinking too much.
So many thoughts, memories, recollections are swirling in my head. Mostly of this past year. Of the passion I once had slowly burning, dimming. How I don’t know if I want to return to school. I lack the motivation, the inspiration. I lack the drive I see in the people around me that attend the same classes, paint the same things. I can’t match the focus and the brightness of their eyes, I can’t steal it either. I don’t have the “up-and-go” attitude and the willingness to put ideas into artistic form. I can’t even keep a steady sketchbook.
What artist am I?
But I know once I get there, I won’t want to leave. The dreading and fear will dissipate, and I will be motivated once more. I hope. I pray.
I keep thinking of all the things that happened earlier this year, the things that I wish I had stayed true to myself during. The shit I was put through, and I just took it. The lies, the betrayal, the games. Always playing at something, too caught up in finding him out, trying to fix something stupid, trying to ignore that I felt I was constantly falling, waiting for the impact when I hit the ground. And when I did, what an impact it was. I still feel bruised. I knew, I was aware, the entire time the games were happening, the lies, the stupidity, I knew what would happen. I knew I would regret not getting out early, I knew I would stay despite being walked over like a doormat. I know myself all too well, that I stay because I have hope. I know the hope is false, I know what the outcome will be. It is false hope. And yet I still have it.
I once wrote, a few years ago, that my memory is like a library. I keep record of everything. I can sit back and go through it, plucking days, weeks, years out of my brain and replaying them. I don’t forget much.
But sometimes, I read the wrong books.
And that’s when I want to burn the god forsaken library to the ground.
